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11 Reasons I am not James Bond

That last bastion of old-school masculinity, James Bond, is everywhere again.

Every man watching Bond leaves the cinema secretly pretending he is a secret agent, it’s just what we do. However, once the daydreams fizzle out under the cold microscope of reality, a quick comparison with the legendary secret agent forces some pretty brutal home truths:

1. I’ve never killed anyone


Perhaps an obvious one to start with but to be deemed heroic on screen it’s pretty essential for a man to kill and James, well he’s even earned his official licence in it. I genuinely feel pretty awful if I step on a snail. I think I’d struggle with the mental burdening that would follow the killing of twenty or so bad guy henchmen.


2. Assertiveness


Bond is a walking, talking ball of sexy charm. He exudes confidence from his very pores. I go red easily and, well, I’ve started a blog which is titled ‘Fix Rick’ that probably tells you that a bit more work is needed if I’m going to be competing with James anytime soon.


3. Guns make me nervous


See also ‘never killed anyone’. I have shot a clay pigeon of course so maybe it’s just like that? However I still get a ‘watch yourself’ voice loud in my head when handling a sharp knife to cut meat or something, I’d be a nervous wreck carrying a gun around.


4. I have never been in a fistfight


But then, on the other hand, that also means I’ve never lost a fight in my entire life, which sounds pretty damn intimidating doesn’t it? Although, technically I have been punched by a homeless man, not sure if that counts.


5. Slow driver


I am a firm believer of the old adage ‘slow and steady wins the race’ but this is rarely true in the world of James Bond. I don’t even have a car at this moment of time but my last one was the rather un-macho Renault Clio -not quite an Aston Martin but it was a great little motor.


6. Uncomfortable in suits and rarely dress impeccably


Don’t get me wrong, I love to look smart on occasion and appreciate the power of a good suit, but every day? I’d go insane.  Where are James Bond’s basics? The plain t-shirts, the well-worn jeans, the ASOS purchases. The man is all tailored suits and his idea of informal is losing the tie. It is not conducive to proper chill out time.


7. Not a big fan of Martini


It’s ok as a drink but there’s nicer stuff out there. Also the way Bond saunters up to the bar, orders confidently and gets served right away is very different to my experiences. Usually I’m wedged in elbow to elbow with drunken patrons, trying to secure my spot on the bar while dithering over what to order.


8. Seduction skills need work


In Spectre, the latest Bond flick, a lot has been made about the oldest ever Bond girl and how it’s a great step forward and she’s in her fifties. However, Bond still sleeps with her and leaves her in the six minutes of her screen time, that’s after killing her husband. That’s incredible, to be able to win her round after doing that.

Most of the time I meet girls on a neutral setting, i.e. I haven’t killed any of their family and they don’t hate me immediately. But even then it doesn’t always work out.


9. Not a big fan of one night stands


 Is anyone really? 

10. I can’t play poker


The few ‘lads poker nights’ I have attended have been far from successful. I’m a terrible liar and you can see straight through any fib I try to slide past you. Not a great trait for a secret agent. On poker nights, I’m the one who gets out first and then offers to get the drinks or refill the snacks and that suits me down to the ground.

11. I online date 


Look we all hoped it’d work out like the movies but when it doesn’t, well it’s the grim world of Tinder isn’t it? The stigma for online dating seems to be fading fast but Bond would never need to spend his nights swiping left or right for the slim chance of success with women.


Whether he’s seen as icon, aspiration or outdated frivolity, comparison to the world’s greatest spy proves pretty grim. The world’s moved on a bit though, maybe it’s ok if men aren’t exactly ticking all the James Bond boxes?

Love Rick x

2 Responses
  • Linda
    November 15, 2015

    Is it wrong to say that every time I watch Bourne I get all edge and become Jason Bourne (Matt Damon version) in my head? Do I have an issue?

    • Rick
      November 16, 2015

      It is not wrong at all Linda – that’s great. We’re all secretly doing that. It’s probably healthy to just limit how often you watch that film just to keep a balance- or go the other way and become full spy.

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