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Dear Incredibly Loud Sex Lady

There is a chance that you’ve stumbled upon this blog post because you searched for something like ‘incredibly loud sex’ and, if that’s the case, I’m afraid you’re about to be massively disappointed as all I have for you is a poem. Apologies.

The other night I was kept awake by a neighbour who is rather loud while, err, ‘in the act’. I couldn’t get back to sleep so instead I sat up and wrote the lady a poem. It’s called ‘Dear Incredibly Loud Sex Lady.’


Oh screaming lady who is so loud
A few doors down from me
It’s nice to know you’re being serviced
Y’know, sexually

But if you could just turn the moaning
Down a notch or two
Your wailing travels quite a way
And I don’t know what to do

I close the windows try to sleep
But your shouting shakes the floor
No wall or door it seems contains it
I can’t take any more

I hate to seem unreasonable
A grumpy, bitter sod
But my eight hours are ruined
By your screaming ‘Oh my God!’

So while that hunk is taking you
Directly to cloud nine
Please spare a thought for me
Awake and stressing at the time

For while you’re there in ecstasy
I’m sat upright in bed
Writing out this poetry
Half wishing I was dead

I’m probably just quite jealous
Of your raucous sexy time
Or how your crazy sex life
Makes a mockery of mine

It’s just I have an early start
And need to be on form
I can’t do that while dribbling
Or trying not to yawn

So if you could just wrap things up
By eleven or before
I won’t write this poem out
And post it through your door

Love Rick x

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